Woman Shares 8 Ways To Tell If Someone Has Bad Intentions, Goes Viral (2024)

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In his book "The Gift of Fear," Gavin de Becker goes over seven tactics that predators use in order to get their victims to drop their guard and disregard their intuition. In this book, he puts this one last, but I'm going to put it first.

And this one is not respecting a woman's "no" and treating it as a start of a negotiation instead of a full sentence. I can tell this guy has good intentions, so it's not directed at him. But many guys in my comments before have been upset because they say "Women don't let us do chivalrous things anymore." But the difference between a gentleman and a predator is how they respond to the word "no."

If you're a gentleman and you're doing something nice out of the goodness of your heart, you're not going to be offended by a "no." However, if you are a guy who's getting offended by a woman saying "no," I would maybe do some internal reflection. Because offering help with the sole intention of getting something back from that transaction is not being a gentleman.

What many guys don't understand is that women aren't turning down chivalrous acts because they want to be boss b*****. There are two reasons women turn down help: One, because we can't always tell a predator from a non-predator, and sometimes it's easier to just turn it down. Or two, we don't want to feel like we owe that person something. Because there are men out there who think that they deserve a number or a date just because they helped you with something that you didn't really ask for help for in the first place. But yeah, also, if it's late at night, it's probably best not to creep around corners or follow a woman to her car in the dark.

In conclusion, the number one sign of a predator is someone who does not listen to your "no." So to my women, if a man doesn't take "no" the first time, he becomes a predator. And to the men who have good intentions, know that if you do not accept that "no" the first time, you become a predator. Be safe out there.

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What to do if a man ignores your "no." The minute a man doesn't respect your "no," he becomes a predator and you have every right to treat him like one. You don't have to be kind. You don't have to be polite. You don't have to convince yourself that you're just being paranoid. You don't have to justify why you're getting bad vibes from this person. You're justified in not trusting that person.

In yesterday's post, I was asked what Kelly could have done different in response to her attacker completely ignoring her noes. The unfortunate truth is that there is no single universal way to handle these situations that's going to work out in every scenario. There are different kinds of predators with different intentions, different goals, and different tactics. That said, here are some general tips:

One, you do not want to be alone with this person or let them get you to a second location. In Gavin's book, he recommends being strong with your "no" and not letting them negotiate it, which is obviously good advice. He also said if they ask you again, put your hands up and say, "No, I told you, I do not need your help." Again, good advice. However, we don't know how Kelly's attacker would have responded to that. He could have threatened her with the pew pew right there and then. What I would personally do is lie through my teeth. Before she even saw this guy, she knew he was a threat.

So if I was in my apartment building, the guy I believe could hurt me – one, I don't want him to know that I'm alone. Two, I don't want to escalate the situation. In a scenario like this, I would probably say, "Oh, that's so nice of you. But my boyfriend, brother or dad is coming down to help me right now." I would then drop my bags on the stairs and call or FaceTime one of them and not move a muscle. Hopefully, I have one of my self-defense tools with me. Obviously, a pew pew is going to be your best chance. But I know many people are not allowed to carry.

There are four main types of r*pists. And after hearing Kelly's story, it's clear that her attacker was a sad*stic r*pist, which is the worst of them all. But one thing about them is that they enjoy the con. They enjoy being the nice, chivalrous guy that tricks their victim. So if you don't fall for that con, or they believe that you're not alone, there's a possibility they might just leave.

If that doesn't work, and he's standing in the hallway with his pew pew threatening you, I still wouldn't comply. Hopefully, I have my self-defense tools. Realistically, the only self-defense tool that's going to work against another pew pew is a pew pew. If you don't have a self-defense tool, you can run to a neighbor's unit, you can run to your car and make a ton of noise. Because criminals don't want to get caught, and they don't like noise, they don't want someone they think is going to put up a fight.

Yes, you can very well get unalived from this, but the general rule is that what they're willing to do to you in public will be tenfold in private. So if you're loud, tell them "no," and make a scene in public and they pew pew you, they will unalive you after doing horrendous things to you in the second location. So personally, I would rather fight and make a scene and get unalived on the spot than be taken somewhere else, r*ped, tortured and then unalived. But obviously I can't make that decision for you. But it is something to keep in mind.

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This particular one is called typecasting. You may have heard of "negging" as well, which is a common tactic that a lot of pickup artists use on women. And it's a similar concept. When Kelly's attacker told her "There's such a thing as being too proud, you know," this was a version of typecasting.

"He reached out and tugged on one of the heavier bags she was holding. She repeated 'No, really, thanks. But no, I've got it.' Still holding on to the grocery bag, he said, 'There's such thing as being too proud, you know.' For a moment, Kelly didn't let go of that bag. But then she did. And this seemingly insignificant exchange between the cordial stranger and the recipient of his courtesy was the signal to him and to her that she was willing to trust him. As the bag passed from her control to his, so did she."

Typecasting is a manipulation tactic where a man labels a woman in a slightly critical way, in hopes that she will be compelled to prove him wrong. So when he told Kelly that there's such a thing as being too proud, she fought that label by accepting his help. Typecasting and negging often involve a slight insult that is pretty easy to refute. But don't fall for this. The best defense against this is silence. Don't even entertain him. Don't feel the need to prove them wrong. And do we really even care what strangers think about us anyways? Most of the time, these guys don't even believe what they're saying. And all they want to do is bait you into a reaction. So stand strong.

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How to tell if someone's conning you or luring you into a dangerous situation. The first indicator we went over is not taking "no" for an answer. The second tactic is something called forced teaming. Forced teaming is one of the most effective tactics to establish premature trust with a victim. It's creating the "we're in the same boat" mentality, that "we are experiencing this together." "We" is the key word here. So be wary if a stranger is trying to force a "we" scenario.

This tactic is so effective because having a shared predicament creates a kind of bond that makes you relate to the person more and makes you feel rude if you're like "No, we're not in this together." The best way to defend against forced teaming is to make a clear refusal of the concept of a partnership: "I did not ask you for help and I do not want it."

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I can pretty much guarantee that every single one of my female followers has experienced loan sharking before. In short, loan sharking is doing someone a favor with the expectation that they will feel indebted to you.

A lot of my male commenters have been saying, "Well, men can't do anything nice for women anymore," "Chivalry is dead," "Equal rights, equal lefts." And I said that there are two main reasons that a lot of women have stopped accepting help from men.

One, our safety alone because we can't immediately tell if someone has good or bad intentions. The second one, which is more common, is loan sharking. Like a man who offers his help but you know the only reason he's offering it is because he wants your number or to go on a date. Or even more common now, guys at the bar buying you a drink and thinking you owe them s*x after. And as I said in one of my last videos, doing something with the expectation of having something in return is not chivalry. Chivalry is doing something because you believe it's the right thing to do. Not because you want a date or a number or s*x. I'm not saying that every guy who buys you a drink and expects something in return is a predator, but it is a very common tactic used by dangerous predators, especially when it's in combination with the other tactics I've taught you so far.

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Unsolicited promises. Throughout Kelly's interaction with her attacker, he made multiple promises. His first one: "I'll just put this stuff down and go, I promise." I'm glad he made that second promise though, because I think that's what really put on the internal sirens for Kelly that he was planning on unaliving her. The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals. Because it is almost always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of intention, but they are not guarantees. Promises are the hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker's desire to convince you of something.

You should be skeptical of an unsolicited promise from anyone, whether or not it's about safety. Ask yourself, "Why does this person feel like they need to convince me?" The reason someone promises something, the reason he needs to give them to you, is because you're not convinced. You have doubt, because there's likely reason to have doubt. And that's what your intuition is telling you. So instead of trusting an unsolicited promise, realize that it's a confirmation of your doubt. It's a confirmation that your intuition is spot on. In his book, Gavin says that if you hear "I promise," think in your head, "You're right. I am hesitant about trusting you. And maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing that out to me."

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Many victims will tell you that their attacker seemed so nice. Numerous serial k*llers have been described as charming, and it is very common for abusers to be known as a "nice guy" in their circles.

Charm and niceness. One of the things Gavin said in his book "The Gift of Fear" that absolutely blew my mind was that charm is an ability, not an inherent feature of someone's personality. To look at it as a verb and not a character trait. He says instead of telling yourself "This person is charming," say "This person is trying to charm me." Many times when you see through charm it won't be anything sinister. I actually enjoy being nice. I enjoy making people feel good. If you cross me, a friend, or someone I love, that's a completely different scenario, though. But I can also be very charming. I know others who can be very charming, just because they really want the people around them to like them.

But what made this so interesting to me is that many times, abusers are the most charming people. And it always blows my mind that someone so evil can be so charming and nice. But when you put it into the perspective that being nice and being charming are choices and not character traits, it makes a lot more sense. People seeking to control others are almost always nice in the beginning. We must learn and teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness.

This is why you want to go for the good man, not the nice guy. Almost every single guy I know who's a self-proclaimed nice guy, especially on social media, is almost always conditionally nice. They're only nice because they want something, and if they don't get it, many of them become mean. Especially that one guy that made the video a while ago with the grape saying that he would r*pe women because he's a nice guy and no one wants him. That's not a nice guy. It is a good idea just to be aware of charm and niceness. And know that there's usually intention behind it. Again, in many cases that person might just want you to like them, might be interested in you as a romantic partner, but there are times where it can be a manipulation tactic.

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Too many details. Many times people who want to deceive you will add in irrelevant details. Like this commenter pointed out, "I'm late, not my fault, broken watch" – irrelevant details. His story about how he knows cats can survive because he forgot to feed his friend's cat – too many details. Him adding "like ladies do in the old movies" to his comment about keeping the door open – too many details.

When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted. So they don't feel the need to support their story with additional details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn't sound credible to them, so they just keep talking. The defense is to remain consciously aware of the context in which details are given. Context is always apparent in the start of an interaction, and usually apparent at the end of one, but too many details can make us lose sight of it. Every single con relies on distracting us from the obvious.

All of the details that Kelly's attacker threw at her distracted her from the simple fact that they were strangers. Every catchy detail he threw at her made them seem more familiar and more like friends instead of strangers. This applies to strangers, but it can also apply to people you're dating. If a date stays beyond his welcome, no matter how charming and funny he may be, if you've already asked him to leave twice, remember that. The simple context is that you have asked this man to leave twice and he is not leaving. So the defense for too many details is simple: bring the context into conscious thought.

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